


Until The World Stops Spinning

by Dream_MyPage



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Panic Attacks, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26292472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_MyPage/pseuds/Dream_MyPage
Summary: "Yo Dream"Knees touching chest, back curved, neck strained; the trembling is still there, prominent as ever, intensifying by the second, finding home across my entire body. My focus shifts, my senses dull - the pain enters. It starts at my chest and it spreads. It spreads where it knows it will hurt the most.(Or Mark misses Dream and his best friend shows up and tells him he will be okay.)
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Kudos: 34





	Until The World Stops Spinning

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING!!
> 
> I go into detail about panic/ anxiety attacks and mention the act of taking ones life and I wasn't sure how to tag that because i'm new to this so please be careful if you are someone who might get triggered! Your health is more important than this piece of writing. Stay safe!
> 
> Also this hasn't been proof read very well so if you see a mistake let me know!

The room is black, no light peeking through the window or door. The lights are off in the room and it's almost as if all light has been turned off across the entire world. Almost as though they have died out along with me. Maybe even the world has stopped spinning.

The room is deadly silent, not even the sound of my thumping heart and ragged breaths can be heard. There is no quiet chatter outside the door, no tiptoeing across wooden floor boards, no water running, no nothing. Everything is asleep. All but me.

This silence, this darkness, this emptiness, it seems to be following me around everywhere I go. It finds me no matter where I turn or hide. It follows me in real life and in my dreams, sometimes I can't even tell the difference between dream and reality. Is this what my life has come to?

"Yo Dream..." I voice weakly into the endless void in search of that little light.

No light appeared.

No one replied.

"Yo Dream" I breathed, the words shaking, straining and burning in my throat. I gasp.

Again, no reply.

"Yo Dream" I cry. 

My breathing has become heavier and my tears have turned into sobs. With my heart running at lightning speed, heat enveloping my body, breath laboured, and a gentle tremor crawling it way up my back, I cry again. 

Knees touching chest, back curved, neck strained; the trembling is still there, prominent as ever, intensifying by the second, finding home across my entire body. My focus shifts, my senses dull - the pain enters. It starts at my chest and it spreads. It spreads where it knows it will hurt the most.

In a span of what feels like seconds my dulled senses have turned into nothing. The muffled sounds of my urgent cries have gone silent, my sight has morphed into black, the salt running down my face is tasteless. That throbbing pain that made its entrance just moments ago has now become so bad I can't even feel it. But I know it's still there. I know it's still happening.My body is getting used to all of this. This feeling of panic, anxiety and absolute distraught, I’m getting used to it. But that void is still there and it scares me that even with all this pain I go through, that emptiness still lingers, drowning me, filling me with nothing but darkness.

I am not sure how long I have been laying here like this whimpering. My thoughts are moving fast, overwhelming me. I think. Thoughts. They are fighting, pushing each other around. The front line of my thoughts, the ones fighting to win, push past my conscience, gain the lead, the ones filled with nothing but self loathing and pure disgust sit comfortably between my creased eyebrows, their comfort a complete contrast to my constant displeasure. The ones losing keep themselves tucked away in the back of my mind, they haven’t found a way to win yet. I don’t think they will.

"Yo Dream" I croak out, trying again,leaving me more breathless than ever, my tears falling harder, my thoughts screaming loud in my head.

It's never hurt this bad. It always hurt but this feels as though I am being ripped apart limb by limb like an animal trapped in a laboratory. I am an animal. No human would be feeling the way I do. No human can be this broken. No human would let themselves get to this state. I want to die.If death means this pain, the feeling, the emptiness goes away, then I want to die. I want to die. 

One last time.

"Yo Dream" a mere whisper leaves my parted lips.

"Jjeoro, Juja, fighting" a mere whisper replies.

And suddenly I can breathe. I hardly feel the pair of arms threading around my torso, the nose tucking itself into the ends of my hair, hands finding my clenched fists, clenching hard around them

With a gasp I cry. I cry and cry and cry. This pain, the pain that has consumed me, it is finally going away. The body that is pressed firmly against my own is holding on tighter and tighter, not letting go, reassuring me of its presence. The numbness dissolves and I get so overwhelmed by the feeling of touch that breathing becomes hard once again. But this time it's welcomed.  
With time I calmed. I don't know how long we stayed here, in this position, but I am thankful that he chose to stay.

"Yo Dream." I call.

"Jjeoro, Juja, Fighting." An answer.

I cry again. A small choked sob of relief.

"Donghyuck." I call.

"I am here, Hyung, I'll always be here." He answers.

And the world continues to spin.  
Taking three deep breaths I turn, facing the body, my saviour, the life that keeps shining no matter what situation it's thrown at, my Haechan, my Sun. Our eyes lock, both filled with unshed tears and rimmed with a raw red. God we looked awful.

He shifts, a habit he has when he normally wants to say something but finds it to difficult to say, the words being pushed further down his throat. I give him a small nod of confirmation to tell him that it’s okay, that he can say whatever he wants. He breathes in.

"I hear you. I hear you every night. I am sorry I didn't come sooner. I am sorry I didn't know it was this bad. I am so sorry Hyung." Tears brush across his rose coloured cheeks, taking a gentle path and finding a stop at the tip of his chin.

Absorbing his words I take hold of him and pull him into me, pressing his face into the junction between my shoulder and neck. I let have a moment to gather enough breath before I speak.

"It's never hurt this bad." I feel the sigh against my neck more that I can hear it.

"I am so sorry. I should have come in last night or the night before I should have realised that you needed me or someone, anyone. It pains me to hear you like this Hyung, it kills me to see you like this." He spoke into my shoulder heaving towards the end, his hands twisting into the back of my sweat soaked t-shirt.

He has heard me. Does this mean the others know too? Please no, I don’t want anyone to worry.

"I’m sorry I hurt you, I never meant to hurt you, I-" the hands on my shoulders startle me, interrupt me cause me to move back a little. Our eyes meet and all I see is fire. 

"Don't apologise for something you can't control!” He hissed, words burning themselves onto my skin. “It's not your fault. It will never be your fault. Not enough people realise that this breaks you as much as it breaks us. You don't need to apologise for it Hyung."

"I am sorry." My throat burns, a tight lump sitting at the base of it.

"Stop being sorry."

His eyes are too much. In an attempt to get away from the flames within them I squeeze my eyes shut, taking a breath before I speak. "I can't Hyuck. Not when I've hurt you. Ive been selfish, overreacting, this doesn't mean anything okay, I am fine.”

"Nothing you do is selfish." He whispers in reply. He places his hand on the side of my face causing me to lean into it and open my eyes. He is softer now. Gentle

"Do you realise how loud you screamed?" He looked at me with a fresh set of tears slipping out of the creases of his eyes, glistening in the moon shine that had managed to weave through the curtains.

"I screamed?" I question. He nods.

"So loud Hyung. It's never been this loud. You have never said those words so loud before. I've never heard so much pain in those words before. I never imagined the day I would hear you speak those words with such anger and anguish. I've listened to you every single night, I've stood outside your door every single night, I've slid down your closed door and sat there just listening to you suffer because I didn't have it in me to come help you. I was so afraid it would hurt you more. You sound tortured, Hyung. Like you’re being torn apart. I couldn't just sit there and listen anymore, I had to come in." He paused, his rapid fire speech taking both himself and myself of guard, leaving the both of us searching for breath. " I am sorry I didn't come in sooner. I should have." 

"I didn't realise I was screaming."

"I know." He replied.

"How?"

"I've been here too Hyung." What?

"You have?"

“Yes, I have, which is why I couldn't just leave you here, taking in this feeling of emptiness all on your own. I never want you to feel this way so I will try my hardest to be here, help you get rid of it, help you find yourself again. From now on I'll be here every step of the way. I'll be right here, I won't sit and listen anymore. I'll come running in, I'll hold you, I'll tell you it will be okay because it will be." He cries, another fresh set of tears running across the sides of his round face, some swerving into his heart shaped lips, circling around his chin and falling gracefully onto the mattress below us. He is clenching tightly onto my t-shirt again, huffing short breaths onto my face, eyes boring into mine searching for something within mine.

"When?"

"When what?" He choked, words struggling to fall out.

"When? Since when? When have you felt like this?"

"Since forever Hyung."

The world has stilled. For the second time tonight.

"What?Why didn't you tell me? Hyuck I would have been right there, I would be in the same position you are in now! Hyuck why? Why didn't you tell me? We’ve always told each other everything!" I spit the words before I even get a chance to think about them and only when I am done do I realise that I have just done the exact same thing. 

"I didn't want to worry you." He sobbed.

"Too late." 

He opened his eyes which had fallen shut at some point during our conversation, lifting his head up. My heart hammered against the muscle in my chest upon the sight of my best friend looking so broken. Is this what I looked like when he walked in on me?

"I knew you would want to help me. Put me before you. You always put others before yourself and for once I didn't want to burden you. I wanted you to take care of yourself for once, put you before me, but you can't even do that it seems." He ended with a chuckle.

"I am sorry."

"I know."

"You know everything don't you." I smiled lightly.

"Of course."

I hug him again and held him as close to me as I could. I breathed in his scent, one I have gotten used to over the past few years, one I never want to forget.

"I should have told you Hyung. I am sorry too. I promise to tell you from now on, as long as you tell me too."

"I will." 

"Promise?" 

"I’ll come to you, whenever I feel like the world is eating me whole, I’ll come to you. I missed you” I somehow pull him even closer to me pushing my leg in between his own. “I’ll be here for you from now on as well. We’re forever aren’t we? Best friends until the world stops spinning. Promise to always call me when you need me and I’ll promise you.” 

"I promise." He calls.

“Then I promise too.” I answer.

I feel at ease. With my best friend wrapped tightly around me, the weight of his palms pressing flat against my back, his soft breaths tickling the side of my neck, I feel as though all void has disappeared. I know this won’t last forever. I know I’ll break again. But now I have my best friend by my side and I can get through anything with the sun sitting close to my side. Hopefully he can get through his own troubles with the help of his best friend by his side. Maybe we can both be happy again. Haechan and Mark, together and happy until the world stops spinning.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This is the first time I've posted on here ><  
> Thank you to anyone who took a few minutes out of their day to read this mess, it means a lot to me! This is an old work I did around two years ago but I took it and re did a lot of it since I wasn't happy with it anymore. So if this looked familiar that is why!!
> 
> Anyway, thank you again and have a nice day! Stay happy and healthy!
> 
> Twitter: @Dream_MyPage


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